What are you supposed to do when you wake up from a nightmare and don’t have the comfort of realizing it was just a dream?
That was one of my first thoughts after another night of having one bad dream after another. It’s a recurring thing for me to have nightmares of real events that have happened or are still going on in my life. If you’ve ever experienced this you know how unsettling it can be to say the least; to not only not feel awake because the line between real life and dream is blurred, but to also start your day off feeling like you’re drowning in the flood of thoughts and emotions that come with what you’re having nightmares about in the first place. I deal with chronic dissociation and vivid dreams/nightmares definitely inflame that experience for me. If you don’t know what dissociation is, it’s when you feel disconnected from yourself, your life, and reality in general. For me, the days range from feeling a vague sense of living in a dream, to feeling like I’m not a real person and nothing is real and my body, memories, thoughts, emotions, and experiences are not mine; like I’m a numb and nameless ghost watching a movie.
(Before I go on I want to emphasize the importance of talking with your doctor if you are experiencing any mental health problems. There are professionals out there who can help you and you don’t have to do this alone. There is nothing wrong with needing help.)
On that particular morning when I asked (sort of angrily to be honest) “what am I supposed to do with this?”, the Lord gave me a gentle reality check before my feet could touch the floor. He brought to my memory the reality of my union with Jesus and the sure future I have in Him. That was the answer to my question; I’m supposed to remember who God is for me and who I am in Him; the reality that is true regardless of my circumstances or how I feel (or don’t feel). I might feel nameless, but the Lord calls me His beloved child (1 John 3:1). I may not feel real, but the Lord says “ I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Galatians 2:20). Sometimes we can even be living in a real-life nightmare, but in the midst of the chaos and pain of our circumstances, the Lord is with us and He knows and cares; He is the God who sees us (Genesis 16:13), He’s the God who bends down to intently listen and hear our prayers (Psalm 116:1-2), He is our God who explains all throughout the whole bible how He loves us and works everything together for the good of His children and for His glory.
In this life we are living in the tension between the “already-and-not-yet”, experiencing real things as we pass through as pilgrims and citizens of heaven. When we feel this tension God gives us a template of what to do, and that is to feel the pain (or don’t feel), express it to Him, grieve, talk to Him about it, and then we look to Jesus and His finished work and blood-bought promises to us. We can experience unspeakable pain and still have hope, because we have Jesus. What did the Psalmist have to do when his circumstances left his soul bowed down within him?:
“Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”’ (Lamentations 3:19-24, emphasis mine)
In order to have hope and not drown in despair, he had to remember who God is for him in the midst of his affliction. When I didn’t know what to do with my anger and sorrow that morning, my Father in heaven reminded me that not only is He with me and cares about what I’m going through, He promises to be my everything now and in eternity. I had to remember that I have all I need in Jesus (Psalm 23:1), and that one day I will be with Him in a place where “no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Corinthians 2:9). And ironically enough, that actually did help me to feel peace and hope and joy, even if it was just for a moment. But even if we don’t have feelings, we have something far better and that is God’s word as the anchor for our soul.
As Martin Luther poetically puts it:
“Feelings come and feelings go and feelings are deceiving;
my warrant is the word of God– naught else is worth believing.
Though all my heart should feel condemned for want of some sweet token;
there is One greater than my heart whose word cannot be broken.
I’ll trust in God’s unchanging word till soul and body sever;
for, though all things shall pass away,
HIS WORD SHALL STAND FOREVER!”
May God help us to always bring our attention back to Himself and cling to His word in our numbness, in the storms of feeling everything at once, and everything in between.
– Katrina
Gospel Assurance 